Pissed off at the deer (A long rant)

I found a rant on my computer that I vented on a few years back about my deer problem.
Feel free to skip this one as I was mad and rambling as I was thinking of all the trouble deer have given me and some stupid antics that I went through to get rid of them.
I cleaned it up before posting.

I'm better now. :}


I came home from work late as usual last night. My bones ache & I’m beaten up and tired. All I want to do is sit down with a cup of java and relax.
Upon pulling into the drive I could see they were there as the tracks looked like it was a herd. The headlights shown on my freshly eaten arborvitaes, cedars and such. You bastards I remember saying. Continuing up the drive, the front yard looked like Woodstock. It was trashed and trampled. Great I say. Everything was eaten. I mean everything. These greedy little bastards haven’t even waited until the snow was hip deep. They were too lazy to hoof the snow away and get to the acorns on the ground. They chowed all in sight.

I spotted some beedy little eyes, downshifted and blasted over my rock wall with the Jeep and start chasing them around the yard and into the woods. I managed to clip one in the hind end but he got back up and took off as usual. I have been battling these guys for a very long time now. I come home and see them chowing and have been so pissed that I have ripped up landscaping, gardens & rock walls you name it. I have hit trees, propane tanks, power poles, garages, pole barns you name it. If it was in my yard it has been hit. I have wrecked a many of cars to include Saabs, Volvos, Toyotas Subaru’s, Vdubs, BMWs Nissans and every car I have driven home and seen them in my yard. I even caught my lil Opel GT on fire when I rolled it and the tank lit along with my Celica GT.
This is past history. I have mellowed now and am trying to co-exist with the rotten bastards. I have spent too much in home and vehicle maintenance & replacement.

My neighbors down the road think its funny but I don’t. I think they are more than half the problem. They put out piles of beets and carrots and say ohh look how pretty they are. That is until they started planting trees and shrubs and landscaping their new homes.
Now they come to me and ask how to get rid of them. I laugh and tell them they don’t have enough cars.
After many of months of counseling from my family members & friends as to why I cannot continue on this path of property destruction, I still have the original deer problem.

Here is what I have tried to date:

• Peeing on everything. (I couldn’t drink enough beer to cover 5 acres).
• Hanging bars of Irish spring soap in bags on the branches. (yard smells fresh & spring like).
• Getting all the hair from the barber and spreading it on everything. (that’s just funky).
• Placing those little plastic frogs that ribbit when you walk by them also a truck load of loud screaming Halloween things that screech with movement.
• Mixing up all kinds of concoctions I’ve read about with cayenne, jalapenos and such (burns the shit out of everything you spray it on).
• Buying liquid fence. It is made with deer, coyote urine and such. ($26.99 a Gal works for three days or till it rains. Miss one day and your yard is gone)
• Strung fish line all over. (they run it down when I’m chasing them with the cars and it gets caught in my axles & wheels)
• Bought trees and shrubs that deer don’t like. (I would think holly leaves would be like razor blades going down. They love everything)
• Clipped boards to the windmill. (like the baseball cards on the spokes)

Still not happening so I start thinking like a farmer:

• Gutted deer and left the remains thinking the smell of death would keep em away. (worked for five days and found out they eat their own)
• Paid dearly for the machines that have over 75 animal distress sounds. (they say a hurt animal in distress will attract coyotes and keep deer away) (wish I had the patent on that)
• Trapped coyote and released on the property. (Don’t have a single rabbit or turkey anymore. Their extinct. Nada. Use to have tons. Not even a coon or skunk)

Still not happening so now I’m going high tech:

• Rigged up a little cannon that has a motion sensor & fires tennis balls with a loud bang. (like the potato gun)
• Rigged up high decibel sirens. (local cops visiting too much)
• Rigged trip wires to fire off loud explosives. (State cops visiting too much)
• Rigged trip wires for paintball guns (I know I hit a few as the neighbors report seeing psychedelic deer in their yards)

Paid super big bucks for security system for the home and garages. 19 cameras through out my property hidden in birdhouses, squirrel holes in trees and such with infrared vision for night, motion sensors & the works. Neat setup linked to a server and sent online. Pages, Emails, texts or even calls my phone when activity is occurring so I can go online where ever I’m at and watch live or previous recordings. Works great for home security but pisses me off as now I watch live as they eat my yard and roll the tennis balls from my home made cannon around with their nose. (bastards)

• Neighbor says put up electric fence as the electric field they don’t like. I don’t want my place to look trashy and some of the best hunting grounds are under the high power electric lines that run across the country side.
• I went to the Department of Natural Resources in Michigan and asked for a crop permit. This is what farmers get when they lose so much crop damage to deer and they can blast anything at any time of the year. It was going good till I had to produce an agriculture license and prove the damage. They still have my pages & pictures of wrecked cars and smashed up garages on their wall as a joke. It didn’t fly.

This is how my day goes. Every day.

I’m single and have spare bedrooms & bathrooms with walk in linen closets. My linen closets do not contain towels & sheets. They are full of bricks and bricks of firecrackers, M80’s, explosives & ammunitions. I wake up & head out the door with coffee in hand. I look at them eating my yard and talk to the bastards and tell them I’m gonna get them one day. I toss a full pack of firecrackers at the ones nearby and wing M 80’s at the ones further in the yard. This scares them about 30 ft then they stop and continue eating my yard.
I wave goodbye to them, call them bastards and go to work spinning my tires as one last effort to scare them off.

I come home when it is dusk or dark usually 8, 9 or 10. I see the beedy little eyes as I come down the road. My heart starts racing and the adrenaline gets flowing and I get into rally mode thinking I’m Collin McRae or Sebastien Loeb and have at it. I don’t do this anymore with my fine cars. I just got a Jeep last month. They are suppose to be rugged.
I walk towards the door and look back and see them looking/laughing at me from the wood line like I'm nuts. I throw an M 80 at them and tell them goodnight then go inside to get online and try to find a way to stop deer from eating everything I plant.

Lastly, This is how bad it is.

One night I fell asleep with the TV on. I sleep with the windows open all year long. I hear this heavy breathing and I’m thinking Damn did one of my Friday nite dates stop by and sneak into bed with me. I wake up and it’s a Friggen deer with his nose pressed against my screen watching Judge Judy at 3:30 AM.

Bastard woke me up with his breathing.